I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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