his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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