can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
