remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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