i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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