He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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