I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
