i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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