i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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