Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
