Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
