My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
