Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
