i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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