I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
