Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i came on her dog
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sext me about skeletons
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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