I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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