The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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