I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
