Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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