Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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