I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Randomize
