Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
