I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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