Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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