if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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