Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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