Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
