i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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