All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
