Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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