last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
