Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
