i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
