Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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