I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
