A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
