Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
