I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
pop tarts are not kleenex
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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