I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
