I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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