I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
