i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Randomize
