he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
