I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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