So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
