Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Randomize
