plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
