I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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