I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
