I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
